FUCK!

Being on tour when something bad happens to your family really fucking sucks. You feel alone, distant, and overall just lost. As much as you love your friends they can't comfort you as much as being surrounded by your family when something tragic happens. I'm an open book most of the time when it comes to whats on my mind, I try not to hide to much when it comes to getting things out of my head, it feels a lot better t get thing's out. Most of my friends know that at this point about me, so sometimes things happen you have no control over.

I woke up in Jacksonville, Fl on the Nov. 29th with a voicemail from my parent's on my phone. I had a funny feeling about it, because I talked to them the day before. So I called right away knowing from the sound of my dad's voice on the message that this was not going to be good. My mom answered the phone and I instantly felt my stomach drop without her even telling me what was wrong, I just knew something was bad by the tone of her voice. So I asked what was going on and she told me, my mouth dropped and the only thing I could think or feel was FUCK! I was shocked, appalled, angry, sad, I felt so many thing's instantly and had no where to go with it. I was still in my sleeping bag on a pull out couch surrounded by people trying to take a shower. I hung up the phone and just pulled my whole body into my sleeping bag and just start balling. My mom just told me that my cousin John, his wife Susan, and kids Aiden (8), Gracie (5) were killed in a car accident coming home from a Thanksgiving trip. My mind was blown, still is and I can't do anything about it. Being home with my family would feel very comforting even though I wouldn't be able to be in California for the services and my cousin 19 year old cousin Molly who is the sole survivor of the family. My heart goes out to her, I can't even begin to know how she is feeling right now. So fast forward to tonight when I get a phone call from my cousin Cooper tonight with even more upsetting news. Apparently a couple decided to break into John and Susan's home late last night and steal their car, and other posses ions. This just infuriates me to no end. They saw the news and decided to find the house and break into their house and steal everything. In one way I shouldn't be surprised, but honestly I'm floored. Just when you're trying to get your head on semi straight this news comes in. On top of it all I also find out that the 19 yr. old kid who killed my family previously had his license suspended for a DUI. He was 19 and already had a DUI and was driving a brand new mini cooper. It's just so much intense shit to think about. My mind is swimming in all of this and I just feel so frustrated about it all.

For now i just have to keep pushing on and know that I'll be home soon and will be able to see my family then. I know I can't be there now and even if I was it wouldn't make that much of a difference because I can't be in California. It would just be comforting for myself. Times like this really make you feel connected and loved and I truly appreciate that, but it bums me out that these things have to happen in order for these feelings to take on their full sentiment. So now I'm in a random motel 8 spilling my guts to an extent, why? I want to and feel some need to, I don't know really. I'm not trying to gather sympathy or anything of that nature, I guess I just want to make people think about the disconnect we face in our lives, whether we are on tour or not. Please hold your loved ones close and value the people close to you. Life is fragile.